my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
