I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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