Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
