And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
