Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
