I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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