Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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