So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize