here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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