wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
