Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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