it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
