Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
