i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
