well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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