Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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