I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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