First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
