I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
