Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
