I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
