I think i peed on brittanys purse
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
