and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
