you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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