I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
