don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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