there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
