I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
