My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
