I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
