Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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