Are we in a gay sports bar?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I deserve this hangover.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
