Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
