Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
