he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
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