I looked at my own cervix.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Damn victory sex feels great
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize