babies were throwing up all over the place
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize