I'm so fucking centered right now
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Success! We fucked roommates!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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