Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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