shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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