nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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