I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
