I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
