yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I love you.
Bad choice
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
