I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
