I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
