I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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