Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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