please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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