so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
