I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Enjoy the penises
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
