this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
