He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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