do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
