is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize