I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize