I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
