I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
