She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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