He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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