He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The adults are the big ones right?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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