Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
